Disjointed
by aevee
Summary: Short, unfinished jumble of words. AU-ish. Tifa POV. A look into the mind of the former Turk who's now confined to a room with padded white walls. Tifa isn't crazy. It's just that you don't understand her.


AN: Some random bunch of words I typed up one day when my brain went wacko and I decided to go ahead and write down all the things that floated around in my mind. It's unedited, untouched, just purely right out off the top of my head. Which, of course, would lead you all to think that I'm insane. Which I'm not. Seriously. Oh, and the ending? Not there. I have this problem with finishing stuff that I start, but I wanted to post this, so I left it unfinished. Meh.

Warning: There's this one little smidgen of shoujo-ai in here. Tifa/Aeris. My favourite. ;) But if you blink or read too fast or don't look for it, you'll miss it. So even if you're homophobic, you can still read it, it all depends on how you look at the words and their placement. Anyway.

* * *

It's like darkness, really. Maybe pain. Torture sounds good too. I just can't decide. Aeris did give one word for it that I've taken to using, though. 

Addiction.

They call me the Widow, for reasons that I can't even begin to fathom. It may be the way I act. Do they mean the way I've always worked by myself? The way every single partner I've ever been assigned usually ceases to exist before the end of a mission? Or that I'm dangerous? In the 'black widow spider' sense?

Really, I wouldn't know. Aeris would.

It's like a sharp turn. A swivel, punch, sweep of the legs. A blindness caused by the sudden yell that disorients the ears and eyes. Hair billowing outwards, following the path of motion. A call of power that surges through fingers and explodes into what one calls 'magic'. Shiva can come if I want her to. The party isn't the same without her.

I don't make sense, do I? Then again, I've never made any sense. No-one does. One only thinks another makes sense because their brain can fine-tune what the other is saying into something that makes them seem understood. It's whatever they're expressing. Or whatever flows out of their bodies. If I don't make sense, it's not me. It's you.

I like the darkness, the swivel, punch, kick. I like the way it hurts, the way it punishes, because really, we all deserve to be killed. At the right time, of course. We all deserve at least a timely death. I like the way it seems to deafen me. Maybe through my ears, through my eyes, maybe through my gloved fingertips, even. In a sense, I have no sense. Is your brain registering anything?

It always happens in the alleyway, where everyone expects it to happen, but never realizes it. You hear the first thump, then you feel your knuckles cracking, and you call for your friends, the gods, and they come, and then it's over. And then you realize your partner's down, and they may never come back up, and you throw back your head and look up at the sky and laugh. It's always fun to laugh, because by then, you can't feel it. All you feel is the dull throb of nothing, all around you. And then the gods go away, and you're left to pick up the corpses.

I've always hated that part of the job, but I guess everyone's gotta give to get. Something like that.

Yeah.

Aeris said something like that.

Who is Aeris, by the way? Just a wisp of my sanity talking to me? Heh. I wouldn't know. I'm sure she would. It's like splintered shards. Maybe she's the puzzle piece I lost a while back. Or that coin that rolled under my bed and fell through the heating vent. I could still hear then, and the sounds of her bouncing along the metal lining of the furnace's long throat made me laugh.

Or maybe she is what's left of what I want. But what do I want? Asking yourself questions is never fun, because half the time, there are no answers. And questions without answers only makes you a Widow.

Heh. The sounds of laughter are everywhere. I can't block them out, even if I wanted to. But I don't. What I want is out, the worst enemy and best friend of in. It's fun, to think of what things are and what they aren't and what their friends think of them.

I like to see things the way they aren't, because then I can know what they are. It helps me when all I have are blank senses and empty thoughts, and a brain that others think doesn't function. But it does. It's just that theirs don't function on the same level as mine, so they don't understand. Right. I'm insane. Okay.

My gloves are missing. They call me sometimes, telling me the latest happenings at the base. I like to hear them talk, because they've always been so drenched in sweat from my palms that all they did was gargle. Back then, they either gargled, or they were inanimate, so to hear them talking, it's a nice change.

They tell me how Aeris is doing. How her staff seems to like to fall on top of them. How she still can't tie her own tie properly. That makes me laugh. Her suit is always immaculate, just the tie that seems out of place. Mine was just covered in blood. Maybe one day, those stupid people dressed in white will let me out of this wrap-around that constrains me, and I can wear my favourite suit again. And help Aeris tie her tie.

Ties are nice things. They're like rulers, suits, uniforms, nooses. I suppose my neck hates them, but me, I've always liked them. They always get tucked in to tickle, tightened to choke. I liked mine either tightened 'til my face turned blue, or undone. Either way was good enough. As for undone, I liked it when Aeris was the one to cause my tie to flop down, split in two.

I can't help it, really. My face wanders farther than I can call it back from, and it always skips through everyone else's fingers. It's unmanageable. I like it like that. Perhaps if I had tried to stop it before it got to the end of the road and turned the corner, it would still be slapped on the front of my head right now. Now I'm just faceless. Not brainless, just faceless.

I like to giggle. Or to chuckle. Or to throw back my head and laugh, and see if my ears can pick up the sounds. Usually, they can't, but my eyes can pick up the little waves that I emit when I talk. Laughing makes big waves where my words only make ripples. Laughing hurts my eyes.

* * *

End. Yeah. Couldn't finish it, too lazy to, and way to much homework to make it possible. Though I suppose there is a possibility that I could finish it if I got enough reviews, I dunno... 


End file.
